The Secrets To Finding Love Online October 13, 2008

By Laura Gilbert, The Fly Guy

In your search for the perfect mate, it’s not just where you look—it’s also how you look. Try these simple search strategies for fast, effective results.

Swimming in a sea of millions of singles is an amazing feeling—that is, when you feel like you’re connecting with the right people. And how exactly do you know you’re reaching Mr. or Ms. Right? We’re glad you asked: Follow our five golden rules for profile searches and you’re more likely to turn up ideal mates—in fact, three of our experts actually met their spouses using these search strategies.

Search Strategy #1: Pick just a few important parameters

While it may be tempting to type in tons of ideal-date criteria in the hopes that your absolute one-and-only will magically appear, you’re better off establishing just a few hard-and-fast rules — you want a woman who wants kids or a guy with a college degree, for example — and leaving the other categories blank. Entering only your most basic must-haves means you’ll get a full range of people you could click with, without having to compromise on the big issues. If you find you’re overwhelmed by how many results you get, clicking the “refine” button on the right-hand side of your search screen will let you easily see matches in any order you prefer—you can start with the youngest, the brunettes, or ones who work in the arts… it’s up to you. This lets you quickly view different ranges of possible dates without sacrificing any of your basic criteria.

Are many of the profiles you view just plain wrong for you? Remember, most happy couples you know probably don’t exactly fit their pre-wedding view of their ideal date. “You don’t want to turn someone away because of some little thing in their profile,” says Cherie Burbach, author of At The Coffee Shop: If You Thought E-dating Was For Freaks and Weirdos, Read this Book! She should know—when Burbach took out the “non-smokers only” part of her search, she met a man who hadn’t turned up in other searches because he smoked socially. “I’m now married to him and haven’t ever seen him smoke,” she says. Also don’t despair if, say, you’re totally into kayaking and your prospective date has never set foot in one—he or she may be all too willing to try it, or maybe you two will develop another shared interest that can serve as a foundation for fun in your budding relationship.

Search Strategy #2: Go easy on height and weight constraints

Before you limit your potential dates to the slender set, know this: By doing so, you’re automatically rejecting over 60 percent of the U.S. population. And when it comes to height, ladies, you might want a six-foot-tall dude, but only 15 percent of guys in America actually reach that mark. “The biggest mistake I see singles making is limiting themselves by focusing on a specific physical type and getting hung up on it,” says Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Love Could Think, a book about self-sabotaging dating patterns. “Men complain that overweight women write that they’re ‘average,’ but since most women are overweight, they’re not lying.” So, be gentle with your height and weight parameters and you might just meet someone who measures up in every other way—and who you’ll grow to be attracted to.

Search strategy #3: Expand your age and location limits

Someone’s age and their proximity to where you live may seem like important factors to set in stone. But when you think about it, does it really matter if someone’s 40 or 42? If the answer is no, you may want to consider broadening your age preference beyond your initial comfort zone. Many users, say experts, pick a number ending with a 5 or 0 as a cutoff mark for their ideal mate’s age—like 25, 30, or 40. Adding just a year or two extra on those criteria will give you access to members who usually get overlooked by thinking-inside-the-box types.

Same goes for location limits—honestly, are you going to pass up all those great people who live mere blocks outside your 20-mile radius? Or, for that matter, someone who’s perfect for you who lives in another state? People can — and do — move if they meet someone online they truly click with. Just ask Judsen Culbreth, author of The Boomers’ Guide to Online Dating: “My husband lived in another state, and we never would have crossed paths if the computer hadn’t matched us.”

Search strategy #4: Know all of your search options

Many online daters start off with a basic, or “quick search,” which finds you dates by guidelines like age, gender, and geography. This is great for your first search, when you’re still feeling out what your options might be. But once the kid-in-a-candy-store high wears off, users often narrow down their options with an “advanced search,” which lets you get specific about all the boxes members checked on their profile, from hair color to sense of humor. Or, if there’s something very particular you’re looking for, a “keyword search” scans the essays members fill out about themselves so you can find random mentions of hobbies, interests, background, or personality traits.

But keep in mind that your options don’t end there. If you want to find people who will be especially keen on meeting you, try a “reverse match,” which will show you people who’ve mentioned they’re looking for characteristics you fulfill to a tee. Finally, a “mutual match” pairs you with people who fit your criteria and whose descriptions match what you’re looking for—a wise choice for someone who wants to boost his or her chances of racking up some successes. Your best overall strategy, according to the experts? It should include all of these options.

Search strategy #5: Don’t get discouraged

You’ve found your dream date — gorgeous, perfect, nearby, and an obsessive Lost fan just like you — and fired off an enthusiastic email. Days, then weeks pass… no response. Why not? True, they might just not be into you, but you shouldn’t throw in the towel just yet. You may have reached the person during a particularly busy time at work, right after they’ve joined an online dating site and been deluged with offers, or two days after they’ve just started seeing someone seriously—any of these factors could have caused your missive to fall through the cracks. But these circumstances can change, and if weeks go by and someone stays lodged in your mind, don’t be afraid to drop them another email. Even if you still receive no response, or you get a polite but firm “thanks but no thanks,” don’t despair. “A 30 percent response rate is really good,” assures Kathryn Lord, a romance coach who met her husband online and is the author of Find A Sweetheart Soon! “You have to expect you’ll get a lot of ‘no’ responses.” The moral of the story: Search often (after all, new people sign up every day—maybe one of them is right for you); send out lots of winks and emails; and know that for every three you send you’ll probably get one response back. And who knows? Maybe that one will be The One.

Will & Jada October 13, 2008

Grabbing an intimate table for two, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith munched on some hand-cut French fries at W Los Angeles’s NINETHIRTY restaurant. “They popped in around 5,” says a source. “They had a few cocktails, fries, and spoke amongst themselves.” Then, it was time to go – and the couple’s bodyguard paid the bill.

• Comedy power couple Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher, dining at West Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont. Fisher looked adorable in a red plaid button-down shirt and jeans, while Baron Cohen wore a red, white and blue zip-up jacket. As they walked to their table on the courtyard, the two saw a couple they knew and stopped to say hi, acting very smiley and social. A few minutes later, the two sat down at their table and enjoyed a two-hour meal. Also at the Chateau that night: Natalie Portman, her dog and a male companion. The two played with the pup as they sat on the courtyard.

• Ashley Tisdale and beau Jared Murillo, checking out Josh Hartnett’s performance in the West End production of Rain Man. The High School Musical 3: Senior Year star was in the U.K. to premiere her flick – but took time off from the promotions for a date night at the Apollo Theater. Also at the show: costars (and couple) Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens.

• It was a star-studded crowd dining at L.A.’s Nobu Matsuhisa restaurant. Brian Austin Green and Transformers beauty Megan Fox shared some sushi, while Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson also ate at the hip restaurant.

Beasties’ ‘Vote’ tour; Mariah’s luggage; Robin Roberts’ battle; Diddy’s rotator cuff October 13, 2008

The Beastie Boys are taking Sheryl Crow, Norah Jones, Jack Johnson and Ben Harper on the road in the coming weeks for the Get Out and Vote tour. “This election is too important to stay at home,” the rap trio said Friday, adding that they are endorsing Democratic candidate Barack Obama for president. An Oct. 28 show in Richmond, Va. will feature Crow, Jones, Johnson and Santogold, while Harper and Tenacious D will support in St. Paul, Minn. Nov. 1; and David Crosby and Graham Nash will join the Beasties in Milwaukee on Nov. 2.

 

       *The New York Post is reporting that Mariah Carey and new hubby Nick Cannon had so much luggage for their trip from Los Angeles to Las Vegas that they had to take it off of their chartered Gulfstream and fly it separately via Southwest Airlines accompanied by two members of her entourage. Carey was in Vegas to host a party at The Bank nightclub at the Bellagio last week.

 

      *In the current issue of People magazine, “Good Morning America” host Robin Roberts opens up about reaching an all-time low while undergoing chemo treatments for breast cancer. “I was in a really bad place,” she tells the magazine. “I didn’t want to fake it [on TV].”  The 47-year-old decided to take off the last three weeks of the year to get more rest. She rebounded quickly after her year-end respite. “I think taking long walks really helped,” she says. “And I circled January 10, the day of my last chemo treatment, on the calendar so I had a goal, an end in sight.”

 

      *Sean “Diddy” Combs had surgery earlier this month to repair his right rotator cuff, reports People. The mogul has been seen in recent paparazzi photos with his left arm in a blue sling sporting a Barack Obama pin.

       *TMZ.com is reporting that a man was arrested at London’s Heathrow Airport for an incident involving Melanie “Mel B” Brown, her husband Stephen Belafonte and a group of photographers. “At around 3 p.m., Mel, Stephen and their baby arrived at Heathrow and were greeted by a few photogs,” the Web site reported. “As they were exiting, a random man approached them and started talking to Belafonte. We don’t know what was said between the two, but the man suddenly went crazy, screaming things like ‘I’ll get a knife and stab you’ at Stephen.” The man eventually grabbed the photog’s clothes and tried to punch him. Officers were called in and the man was arrested.

PHILLY BOO-BIRDS ATTACK GOV. PALIN October 13, 2008

Philadelphia sports fans are known the world over for their booing, and GOP Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin got to experience it first hand at the Flyers hockey team’s home opener Saturday night.

 

       As the self-proclaimed “hockey mom” from Wasilla, Alaska took to the ice with daughters Piper, 7, and Willow, 14, for the ceremonial dropping of the puck, a round of boos from the Wachovia Center faithful appeared to drown out the applause.  [Scroll down to view.]      

       Here’s how it was reported in various media outlets:

 

• Lynn Zinser’s NYT hockey “Slapshot” blog:  Palin was met with “resounding (almost deafening) boos from the Flyers crowd.” 

• Fox Sports: “The crowd reacted with a mixture of cheers and boos at her appearance.” 

• Associated Press: “The Alaska governor heard a few boos when she walked onto the ice Saturday night. But that soon turned to polite applause as she walked out to center ice.” 

• Politic “The world’s most famous ‘Hockey Mom’ was greeted, like most any politician likely would be at a Philly sporting event, with more boos than cheers.”.

       Fox also revealed: “The GOP Vice-Presidential nominee said at an earlier fundraiser that she would stop some of the booing from the rowdy Philadelphia fans by putting her seven year old daughter, Piper in a Flyers jersey. She said, ‘How dare they boo Piper!’”  Her plan failed.      

       Philly fans famously booed Donovan McNabb at the 1999 NFL Draft, and even Destiny’s Child during its halftime performance at a 2001 playoff game between the hometown 76ers and the Los Angeles Lakers. Kelly Rowland wore a 76ers jersey and Beyonce wore a top that represented both teams. Michelle Williams balanced out the look by wearing a Lakers jersey, while the two lone background dancers were also in the Lakers purple and gold, which apparently turned off the crowd.      

Gov. Sarah Palin Booed at Philadelphia Flyers Game

JAY-Z FORCED TO REDUCE APPEARANCE FEE? October 13, 2008

A British blog is reporting that clubs in London have been turning down appearances from rap mogul Jay-Z because they can’t afford his fee.      

       “Representatives for the star, in town to watch his NBA team, the New Jersey Nets take on Miami Heat at The O2 on Sunday night, initially wanted £25,000 for him to host a party,” reports TheLondonPaper blog. “Even though that figure has now gone down to £7,500, no clubs are interested.”      

       A club source told the blog: “No club is willing to stump up the cash. At this rate he might even have to party for free.”

JAMIE FOXX TO BECOME ‘LAW ABIDING’ October 13, 2008

Jamie Foxx is in final negotiations to join the Frank Darabont-directed film “Law Abiding Citizen,” the Hollywood Reporter confirms.

 

      The Oscar winner will star opposite Gerard Butler in the psychological thriller about a successful assistant D.A. (Butler) who finds himself at the center of a vigilante plot hatched by a traumatized victim of the legal system (Foxx).

 

       Foxx’s character is devastated to learn that, because of a plea bargain, one of his wife and daughter’s murderers will be set free. So he unleashes revenge on the killers and those who made the deal.

 

      The actor next stars opposite Robert Downey Jr. in “The Soloist,” directed by Joe Wright (“Atonement”).

NY BALLOT MIXUP LISTS ‘BARACK OSAMA’ October 13, 2008

Hundreds of voters in New York’s upstate Rensselaer County were sent absentee ballots that listed the name of Democratic nominee Barack Obama as “Barack Osama,” an error that recalls the name of 9/11 terrorist Osama bin Laden.        

       The mistake was first reported by the Times Union of Albany, according to the Associated Press. The elections office faxed a statement in which the two commissioners, Democrat Edward McDonough and Republican Larry Bugbee, said they regret the error but never acknowledge what the error was.      

       “It’s human error, it’s very unfortunate, it’s an embarrassment to our office, obviously,” McDonough said in a later phone interview with the AP. “We wish we could turn back the clock, but we can’t.”      

       After the mistake was discovered, officials shredded the remaining “Osama” ballots and sent out correct versions to the roughly 300 people who had already received them.  Voters who received both versions will be allowed to send in either one and have it counted, McDonough said.      

       Obama spokesman Blake Zeff said the campaign is “glad officials are working to correct this error and we assume it won’t happen again.”

ANGELINA JOLIE LEANING TOWARD OBAMA? October 13, 2008

       She hasn’t offered either senator an official endorsement, but the mother of six – including adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam – says Obama comes down on the same side of several issues that she does.      

       When asked if she found Obama’s bi-racial background an example to her family, she replied: “Naturally that’s good, but it’s not a sufficient reason to vote for him.      

       “Obama fights for international justice, he wants to militarily intervene in cases of genocide, and close Guantanamo Bay. These are the things that could move me to vote for him, not his roots.”      

       She then adds, “Naturally, an American president like Barack Obama would be nice for my family.”

MAXWELL HAS WOMEN THROWING PANTIES IN NY October 13, 2008

Maxwell treated fans to several new songs during a Thursday night performance at New York’s Radio City Music Hall that ended with actual panties being thrown on stage, reports Billboard.com.

 

      As part of his first tour in six years, the soulful crooner sang “Pretty Wings,” “Bad Habits” and “Comb” from his forthcoming Columbia album “Black Summers’ Night.” No release date has been announced.

 

       “This song, it’s about wanting to be with somebody but meeting them too early,” Maxwell told the audience of “Pretty Wings.” The moderately paced “Bad Habits” found Maxwell asking in the chorus, “Will you forgive me?,” while “Comb” showcased a two-step drum pattern with a strong horn section and a smooth guitar roll, notes Billboard.      

       Maxwell was accompanied by a nine-piece band in black and white suits, as a hometown crowd of mostly couples and single ladies looked on.      

       He began the show with “Get To Know Ya” from his third and last album, 2001’s “Now.” He also sang his popular singles “No One,” “Lifetime” and “This Woman’s Work.”      

       The band improvised “Sumthin Sumthin,” adding the beat from Jay-Z’s “Can’t Knock the Hustle,” before flowing into “Pretty Wings.”       

       Just as he was about to launch into “Til The Cops Come Knockin’,” Maxwell stopped the music and said, “There are not enough panties on my stage right now!” One woman promptly threw a blue rose on stage and another threw a rather large pair of white panties, which Maxwell tossed over his shoulder as he finished the song. “Go get drunk, go have sex, we love ya!” he said to close the evening.

 

KEITH SWEAT CUTS LINK TO ‘REAL HOUSEWIFE OF ATL’ October 13, 2008

Keith Sweat has two sons with Lisa Wu Hartwell, an entrepreneur/socialite on the Bravo series “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” but the boys will never be shown on the series because the singer refused to sign a waiver allowing them to be filmed.        

       Hartwell explains to E! Online: “He’s like, ‘Lisa, it’s nothing personal. I just really don’t know how they’re going to edit and if they’re going to make you look crazy. I just don’t want the kids to be, you know, overexposed or anything.’”      

       The budding reality star, however, isn’t buying it. “They asked their dad could they be involved, and he [said] no,” she tells E! “It could have been a Disney show and I don’t think he would have signed it.”      

       Sweat has 13-year-old Jordan and 11-year-old Justin with Hartwell, who appears on the show as if she only has one child, one-year-old E.J., her son with her current husband, NFL player Ed Hartwell.      

      Not only does Lisa have her own successful real-estate firm, but she also owns children’s clothing company Hart 2 Hart Baby and the jewelry line Wu Girls. Additionally, she’s an aspiring actress, painter and writer. She admits that her biggest reason for doing the show was to get her name out.

 

       “It was great exposure,” Hartwell says.       

       She credits an old friend, fellow entrepreneur Tyler Perry, with inspiring her to follow her dreams. Years ago, after they collaborated on a couple of projects (Perry directed a play that she wrote), Hartwell says Perry called her one day to say he was giving up on show business because he was done with the struggling.       

       But after they chatted, Perry decided to keep going. “I use that story often when I’m trying to encourage others,” Hartwell said. “You have to stay passionate and just stay focused and not say, It’s not going to happen.”