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She Said She Liked My…Crotch? December 23, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 10:36 am
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After a long day of pushing myself creatively, I decided to step away from the computer and head to one of my favorite lounges to have a drink. So my cousin and I drove over, but to our surprise, the place was unusually packed for a Monday night. Normally this would have upset me—since I don’t like being around a lot of people when I’m trying to relax –but tonight was different.

As I posted up by the bar, and ordered my customary Woodford Reserve with a splash of ginger ale, I caught the eye of this incredibly beautiful woman. I initially tried to ignore the mutual attraction between us, but every time I looked up, there she was … sipping on her martini and smiling at yours truly. I flashed a smile back, but before I could even make my next move, she walked over and parked right next to me.

“Hi, I’m Brandy,” she said while leaning in close, further relaying her interest.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Brandy,” I politely offered, still keeping my cool.

“I hope this isn’t too forward,” she continued. “But I saw you, and couldn’t take my eyes off of your beautiful smile. But now that I’m over here, I realize that you have something about you that’s even more beautiful.”

(This girl was really trying to work me.) “And what’s that Brandy?”

She leaned in even closer, and whispered in my ear. “Your crotch,” she playfully teased. “The bulge in your pants lets me know that you really know how to please a woman.”

An awkward silence ensued, accompanied by an even more awkward smile. Now at this point, I’ve never had someone publicly compliment my crotch, so I was faced with a dilemma. Should I:

(a). Return the favor by complimenting one of her body parts?

“You know baby, it’s funny you say that. When I spotted you from across the room, I was thinking to myself that your perky breasts are two of the most symmetrical breasts that I have ever seen in my life. I mean they are perfect in every way.”

(b). Acknowledge the compliment and give it credence.

“I’m glad you noticed. I come from a long line of bulging men. My dad, my granddad, and even his father all had big crotches.”

Or (c). Politely excuse myself.

“I’m sorry, but I have to run. I think I left a pot of hot dog water sitting on the stove at home. And you know how that stuff can stink if you leave it sitting there too long.”

I know there are some men out there who believe I’m ignoring a fourth option. That’s the option where I take her home with me, but that was never really in play here. I ended up going with the Option C, and politely excused myself.

Why you may ask?

Because at this point in my life, I’m smart enough to know that if someone is that sexually forward in her introduction, then that’s probably not the cup of hot water that I should be sticking my tea bag in (get your mind out of the gutter … that was a metaphor for life.)

With that being said, I was struck by the fact that one of the first things that she noticed was my “crotch.” That was new to me, but it did provide me with the Fly Question of the Day.

What is the first thing that you notice when you meet someone new? (Sorry…crotch did not make this list.)

 

Letting Go Of The Past December 22, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 10:53 am
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It’s amazing how easy it is for us to point out the faults in others. And judging from the progression of yesterday’s discussion, I think we all (or at least some of us) secretly find pleasure in lashing out at people from our past. But what if the tables were turned? And what if someone began to point out all of the times when you were the cause of your relationship’s demise?

Now for those who say, “It has never been my fault,” well that’s not exactly true. Since we all fall well short of perfection, there has to be at least one moment (or maybe two or three moments) where you have actively contributed to the downfall of your relationship. It may not have been intentional, but in some way, you were guilty of doing more harm than good.

These are the types of discussions that we don’t like to have. Even in my own life, it was always much easier for me to believe that every time a relationship didn’t work out, it was because of some fatal flaw in the other person. It was also easier for me to believe that I was just an innocent bystander who always seemed to have bad luck when choosing a mate. I’ve since wised up.

What am I trying to say to you today?

Well for starters, I’m trying to say that if you have managed to subconsciously forgive yourself for the wrongs that you have committed, then why is it so hard for you to extend that same type of compassion? We all fall down; we all make mistakes; and we all end up placing ourselves in situations that should have been avoided. But that’s what life is all about: it’s just a series of choices, and sometimes we unfortunately make the wrong one.

So extend some forgiveness today to someone in your past. Forgive them for the poor choices that they made, and let go of that hardness and frustration that you are currently harboring in your heart. Then once you do that, pass this on to a friend or coworker, and encourage them to do the same. Who knows what can happen. Maybe in time, this will circle back around, and someone will forgive you for your mistakes.

Just think about it.

 

Dating A Crazy Person December 18, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 11:02 am
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There’s a word that frequently gets tossed about (particularly when it comes to love and relationships) without out any real explanation for what it actually means. That word is (drum roll please) … crazy. We’ve all used it:

“I should have known that she was crazy” …. Or, “Why didn’t you tell me that he was crazy.”

And on and on it goes. So today, I thought we’d take some time to clearly define exactly what makes someone crazy. I’ll start…

1. She may be crazy if she shows up at your house uninvited, and stands at the door knocking for a half hour without knowing if you’re actually there.

2. He may be crazy if he always wants to stay on the phone with you while you are out with your friends.

3. She may be crazy if she creates a secret online identity and starts emailing your exs and other women that she thinks you might be dealing with.

Now it’s your turn. What makes someone crazy in your dating world?

 

Relationship Holiday Gift Guide December 17, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 11:24 am
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Christmas is rapidly approaching, and you still have no clue what to get your significant other. There’s no need to get anxious though, as I’ve designed a nice guide to direct you through this tedious process. Now if your relationship is in great shape, and you’ve found the man or woman of your dreams, then by all means follow your heart when purchasing them a gift. There are a few instances however, when the selection process can be confusing. That’s where I come in with my Fly Guy Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide.

The Mogul

The Low Down: This man or woman has it all thanks to hard work and sacrifice. So what do you get someone who already has everything?
The Gift: A personalized compass. With it, attach a note explaining the true purpose of the compass—to guide them to your heart.

The Fence Sitter

The Low Down: You think they want to be with you exclusively, but you’re not sure. Some days they show you attention; other days, not so much.
The Gift: A watch is always a great gift to give a fence sitter, as it can be stylish without hurting your pockets too much. If they inquire about your selection, use that opening as the perfect opportunity to let them know that time is ticking, and you won’t be around forever while they make up their mind.

Daddy’s Little Girl

The Low Down: I could have said spoiled brat, but I decided to be politically correct on this one. This is for the woman that has had everything given to her, but has never worked hard a day in her life.
The Gift: Get her a gift certificate to Home Depot with the following instructions: Relationships take a lot of work. I’d like to build something with you, but we have to work at it together. Maybe she’ll understand the symbolism, and agree to contribute to the relationship. If not, you can always take the gift card back and buy a leaf blower.

The Charity Case

The Low Down: You’re only with this person because you don’t want to be alone for the holidays. Now don’t get me wrong, they treat you very well. But you’re just not that into them.
The Gift: A nice bottle of wine. Present it, and tell them to take the time to cherish it in the same way that you cherish what they add to your life. This should keep them satisfied for a couple of weeks.

The Gold Digger

The Low Down: Do I really need to explain what a gold digger is? This person only wants to be with you for what you can give them…and for some reason you allow it to happen.
The Gift: Buy her a book—preferably anything written by Karrine Steffans. That way you can teach her how to use her unique skillset to make something of herself. Hey, if she’s going to be a groupie/gold digger, then she might as well have some goals, and become the best in her field.

**In you need specific gift advice, feel free to email me at flyguychronicles@gmail.com

 

Suspicious Dating Patterns- Vol. 2 December 16, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 11:05 am
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As the chief of the Behavior Police Department, I felt compelled to release this warning to any man currently engaged in a serious relationship. During my tenure as the head of BPD, relationship crimes in our community have been reduced by a whopping 47%. With that being said, I can only hope that you take heed to the following warning so our streets can continue to be safe.

Attention Men,

If your woman is engaged in any of the following behavior, then the likelihood of her being involved with another man is dramatically increased. This suspicious behavior can include any of the following:

1. A sudden interest in going to the gym. (This sign is particularly alarming if she doesn’t invite you to be her workout partner.)

2. A dramatic increase in her attention to wardrobe, both when going to work and when hanging out with “friends.” Also, be mindful of any new fragrances that she may begin to wear, as well as any noticeable increase in hair appointments that don’t directly correlate with a promotion or bonus at work.

3. If she abruptly stops complaining about the things that used to drive her crazy, then consider it a certainty that something is afoul.

**If your woman is guilty of any one of these offenses, then email me at flyguychronicles@gmail.com so we can develop a sound strategy to attack the problem head on.

But in the unfortunate event that she is guilty of multiple offenses, then all I can suggest is prayer. God speed my brother.

 

Suspicious Dating Patterns- Vol. 1 December 12, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 11:57 am
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Periodically, I’m going to share with you some red flag behavior that should make you think twice about diving into deeper relational waters with a potential significant other. Let’s call this section “The Behavior Police.” First up, we have a disturbing pattern of behavior that I’ve seen in some men (I was actually guilty of this offense once upon a time.)

So here’s the scenario:

The two of you are on the phone enjoying a nice “get-to-know-you” session. As the conversation starts to really get good, he ends things abruptly by saying, “Hey, I just pulled up to my house. Let me call you back after I get settled.”

The Fly Diagnosis:

Now maybe he doesn’t like to talk and unlock the door at the same time. (Hey it happens.) Or perhaps his voice-activated alarm system might trigger if it picks up your voice through the receiver (even more unlikely.) No matter what the case may be, his behavior is suspicious. If it happens on a fairly consistent basis, then you’re more than likely dealing with a guy who has a secret on the other end of the door (i.e. girlfriend, wife, mother, halfway house desk attendant.) Whatever his reality, just know that it’s something that he’s trying to keep from you.

Am I trying to instigate a confrontation between the two of you? Absolutely not. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I failed to share with you some of the early warning signs that you need to be aware of.

Stay tuned for next week’s edition of “The Behavior Police” as I call out some suspicious behavior by women.

**If you have any anonymous tips for the BPD (Behavior Police Department) then email them to flyguychronicles@gmail.com. Remember: we’re here to protect and serve.

 

The Twelve Days of Sexmas December 11, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 12:28 pm
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Twelve Days of Sexmas

Day 1: Naked Baking
Get your holiday baking done while treating your man to the first sexy surprise of his Twelve Days of Sexmas. Mix ingredients with foreplay and by the time your treats are ready bake, you’ll both be ready for a treat of a different kind.

Day 2: A Sexy Photo Shoot with Your Man as the Photographer 
Invite your man into your “studio” for a sexy photo shoot. Put on a sexy playlist, give him the camera, and tell him to instruct you, posing you in any position he wants. Resist him as long as you can to get him to his maximum state of arousal.

Day 3: A Silly Sexy Gift 
Give your guy a gift that will bring a smile to his face. Check out the Clone A Willy (a form to make a chocolate replica of his Willy). Another idea would be one of those pair of thong underwear for him that features a small plush elephant with a nose that doubles as pouch for his manliness.

Day 4: Holiday Role Play 
Dress up like a Candy Striper and paint his “candy” like a candy cane with edible paints. Transform yourself into a naughty little elf and tell Santa all the bad bad things you’ve done. Dress yourself in a sexy Mrs. Claus costume, light holiday scented candles, and treat your Santa to a night he’ll never forget.

Day 5: Holiday Themed Toys 
Give him a candy cane glass toy to use on you, or slip into some Christmas lingerie.

Day 6: Erotic Film Night 
Find a female-friendly erotic film to enjoy together. Invite your guy for dinner and a movie, surprising him with the film you chose once the food is gone!

Day 7: Naughty Or Nice 
Play a game of sexy Truth or Dare. For truth, ask questions about your lover’s fantasies, and then when its your turn to take a dare, let your partner know you’re willing to act those fantasies out!

Day 8: A Sexy Honey-Do List 
Instead of the ordinary long list of honey do projects that you normally give him around this time, give him a surprise one that won’t require a tool box, but may still require his muscles. Give him a list of needs you have ranging from a sensual massage to multiple orgasms!

Day 9: Sex Coupons 
Turn the tables and send a little sexual attention his way. Buy or make up a coupon book full of sensual treats like a sexy shower encounter, an anytime/anywhere romp, or an hour of trying new positions from the Kama Sutra book.

Day 10: Holiday Cocktails and a Sex Game 
Make eggnog, spiked mulled cider, or cranberry martinis to enjoy during your evening of sensual gaming. Play games like Fourplay ConnectAll Night Love Affair, or The Tantric Lovers Game.

Day 11: The Gift of You in a Bow 
Surprise him with the gift of you wearing nothing but a bow!

Day 12: Christmas Morning Sex in Bed 
Get your Christmas morning off to the right start and leave your lover glowing all day. Perhaps this Christmas morning treat could become your new holiday tradition!