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She Said She Liked My…Crotch? December 23, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 10:36 am


After a long day of pushing myself creatively, I decided to step away from the computer and head to one of my favorite lounges to have a drink. So my cousin and I drove over, but to our surprise, the place was unusually packed for a Monday night. Normally this would have upset me—since I don’t like being around a lot of people when I’m trying to relax –but tonight was different.

As I posted up by the bar, and ordered my customary Woodford Reserve with a splash of ginger ale, I caught the eye of this incredibly beautiful woman. I initially tried to ignore the mutual attraction between us, but every time I looked up, there she was … sipping on her martini and smiling at yours truly. I flashed a smile back, but before I could even make my next move, she walked over and parked right next to me.

“Hi, I’m Brandy,” she said while leaning in close, further relaying her interest.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Brandy,” I politely offered, still keeping my cool.

“I hope this isn’t too forward,” she continued. “But I saw you, and couldn’t take my eyes off of your beautiful smile. But now that I’m over here, I realize that you have something about you that’s even more beautiful.”

(This girl was really trying to work me.) “And what’s that Brandy?”

She leaned in even closer, and whispered in my ear. “Your crotch,” she playfully teased. “The bulge in your pants lets me know that you really know how to please a woman.”

An awkward silence ensued, accompanied by an even more awkward smile. Now at this point, I’ve never had someone publicly compliment my crotch, so I was faced with a dilemma. Should I:

(a). Return the favor by complimenting one of her body parts?

“You know baby, it’s funny you say that. When I spotted you from across the room, I was thinking to myself that your perky breasts are two of the most symmetrical breasts that I have ever seen in my life. I mean they are perfect in every way.”

(b). Acknowledge the compliment and give it credence.

“I’m glad you noticed. I come from a long line of bulging men. My dad, my granddad, and even his father all had big crotches.”

Or (c). Politely excuse myself.

“I’m sorry, but I have to run. I think I left a pot of hot dog water sitting on the stove at home. And you know how that stuff can stink if you leave it sitting there too long.”

I know there are some men out there who believe I’m ignoring a fourth option. That’s the option where I take her home with me, but that was never really in play here. I ended up going with the Option C, and politely excused myself.

Why you may ask?

Because at this point in my life, I’m smart enough to know that if someone is that sexually forward in her introduction, then that’s probably not the cup of hot water that I should be sticking my tea bag in (get your mind out of the gutter … that was a metaphor for life.)

With that being said, I was struck by the fact that one of the first things that she noticed was my “crotch.” That was new to me, but it did provide me with the Fly Question of the Day.

What is the first thing that you notice when you meet someone new? (Sorry…crotch did not make this list.)


Letting Go Of The Past December 22, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 10:53 am


It’s amazing how easy it is for us to point out the faults in others. And judging from the progression of yesterday’s discussion, I think we all (or at least some of us) secretly find pleasure in lashing out at people from our past. But what if the tables were turned? And what if someone began to point out all of the times when you were the cause of your relationship’s demise?

Now for those who say, “It has never been my fault,” well that’s not exactly true. Since we all fall well short of perfection, there has to be at least one moment (or maybe two or three moments) where you have actively contributed to the downfall of your relationship. It may not have been intentional, but in some way, you were guilty of doing more harm than good.

These are the types of discussions that we don’t like to have. Even in my own life, it was always much easier for me to believe that every time a relationship didn’t work out, it was because of some fatal flaw in the other person. It was also easier for me to believe that I was just an innocent bystander who always seemed to have bad luck when choosing a mate. I’ve since wised up.

What am I trying to say to you today?

Well for starters, I’m trying to say that if you have managed to subconsciously forgive yourself for the wrongs that you have committed, then why is it so hard for you to extend that same type of compassion? We all fall down; we all make mistakes; and we all end up placing ourselves in situations that should have been avoided. But that’s what life is all about: it’s just a series of choices, and sometimes we unfortunately make the wrong one.

So extend some forgiveness today to someone in your past. Forgive them for the poor choices that they made, and let go of that hardness and frustration that you are currently harboring in your heart. Then once you do that, pass this on to a friend or coworker, and encourage them to do the same. Who knows what can happen. Maybe in time, this will circle back around, and someone will forgive you for your mistakes.

Just think about it.


Being Single: The Good and Bad Side October 1, 2008

Filed under: Romance — Ryann Hayman @ 3:54 pm
Tags: , ,

Written by  The Fly Guy

I’ve spent a lot of time admitting all of the stupid things I’ve done that have left me single. But today, even if it’s only for a day, I will stand up and be proud of my singleness.

Here are my favorite things about being single:

It’s cheap. Sadly, I don’t have enough money to even go on that many dates in this city. For example, my good friend goes out to dinner every week and has also been on a few vacations this past summer with his girlfriend. That has got to add up to at least $5,000 that I don’t have.

TV Control. I am so set in my TV viewing: Sports, History Channel, Discovery Channel, stupid ’80’s anything, and so on. If some girl came over all the time and attempted to commandeer the remote (and if she was sweet and cute I’d have to give in), I’d be pretty sad.

No Responsibility. I am not required to be anywhere on behalf of a girl. Again, my friend who goes out to dinner every week? He had a calendar he kept with his girlfriend all summer of the activities they did together. I don’t have to keep an organized schedule or pick up some girl’s parents at the airport, or sit through the sister’s boring musical.

My Head is allowed to be on a swivel.
I can go out and talk to any girl I want. I’m still enjoying “playing the field” and meeting lots of girls. Nothing ever works out, but oh well.

No Structure. Luckily I don’t have girls coming over on a consistent basis, so I don’t have to keep my apartment in tip top shape or even comb my hair.

Having hope and the thrill of the chase. It’s exhilarating to have hope in eventually dating after I meet a cool girl and it’s fun to give it a shot and chase, whether I fail or succeed.

Self improvement. One of the best things you can do while you’re single-even if you’re unhappily single-is work on yourself. You can try new things, go new places, develop talents and network and try to grow professionally. When you are in a partnership with someone else, you can still improve, but it’s not so easy to focus on yourself 110%.

Well, I couldn’t let this go without saying some bad things about being single. Here you go:

I’m still without a clue.
It would be nice to have someone there who was actually good little things I suck at: getting my collar to stay down, keeping my clothes unwrinkled, managing my money, decorating the apartment…whoa I suck at a lot of stuff!

Slow Dances At Weddings.
I am always the single guy among my friends at a wedding. When those slow songs kick in, and everyone couples off, I have no one. So I go hide (and drown my sorrows) at the bar.

Holidays. Yes, I get all caught up in the holidays. It gets chilly, people get happy and I want someone to be close to. The holidays in NYC are very romantic. Not to mention, at this point, my family probably thinks I’m gay because I never bring any girls home for the holidays.

Down Time. I know I harp on how I love controlling my own time and having no responsibility but once in a while it would be nice to know that someone is always there if I want to spend some down time with them.

Creative dating.
I love thinking of fun things to do and cool places to visit with a girl. There are so many interesting things that are made more fun with a girl…from camping to cooking. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to make happy.

Someone to hold. It’s more fun watching a scary movie with a special girl. I love listening to storms and rain outside, but it would be even better with a girl I was really into.

The bottom line is that there is green grass on either side of the single or not single fence. My friends with girlfriends and wives are jealous of my freedom, and I’m jealous of their great relationships. The key to remaining happy whether you’re single or not is to celebrate the great things about being single or not single. And, try to be happy no matter what situation you’re in because chances are you’ll be on the other side of the fence at some point.

What would you say are your favorite and least favorite things about single life?